Lady Liberty and Hova at the Top of the Rock open up the show. Justin dances his ass off and brings sexyback.
8:07 - Everything goes wrong in Jack Black's monologue. On purpose. We think.
8:11 - The Raconteurs and Lou Reed sing "White Light." Jack White bathes in the bass.
8:13 - Lil' Kim is out of prison, yet dons an orange jumpsuit for the occasion. She strips and presents Best Male to James Blunt. He races everyone to the bar.
8:20 - Vanessa Minillo tells us that there are hidden cameras all over Radio City. We'll see who's naughty and nice.
8:24 - Jack Black wears a gold suit. Introduces Andre 3000 in knee-high red boots and a trucker hat. He's accompanied by a very feminine-looking Ciara.
8:27 - "My Humps" wins Best Rab Video. Kanye does not look happy.
8:30 - The Rock introduces Shakira and Wyclef, who tell nothing but the truth with their various body parts. Shakira looks amazing in a hot pink satin belly dancing outfit. It only amplifies her amazing um, assets.
8:34 - The Jackass guys, with a naked Wee Man, shock each other silly with a WWII field phone. Bleeding and cackling ensues. Fall Out Boy is kicking ass in the Viewer's Choice category.
8:41 - Fitty and LL are very sparkly.
8:44 - Kelly Clarkson is MIA for her Best Female win.
8:46 - Lil Jon introduces Pharell and Ludacris, who have obviously shaken their money makers from the looks of the chains. The Pussycat Dolls, no strangers to shaking, join them in gold mini dresses.
8:50 - Sarah Silverman gets geeked out about Lance Bass. "Please, space travel is pretty gay. It's like the Liza Minelli of like, travel."
8:57 - Kyle Gass, dressed as a tin can, crashes the stage. Jack Black says, "I'm the Jared Leto to your 30 Seconds to Mars,"
8:59 - Jessica Simpson's dress is just about as short as it could possibly be. She fumbles her lines and "pushes her tush."
9:01 - The Pussycat Dolls win Best Dance Video. Shakira and Wyclef look pissed. They read their acceptance speech from a Sidekick.
9:05 - Chris Brown introduces Ok Go's freakin cool treadmill dance. The treadmills have the letters OKGO on them. They totally pull it off and look super happy when they're done.
9:10 - The hidden cameras reveal that Paris Hilton is never where she should be.
9:14 - A lobster bites Steve-O's tongue.
9:15 - Paris Hilton is introduced as "the hottest producer of independent film," wearing Madonna's outfit from 1984. In turn, she introduces The All American Rejects. They perform on a stage in the middle of a dancing crowd of people on the floor of Radio City and on giant screens.
9:19 - Nick Lachey and Nicole Richie come onto a stage decorated with an enormous pink poodle.
9:21 - Best Pop Video goes to Pink, whose hair is completely shaved except for a poodle-like bunch of curls on top. "I totally won, that's awesome," she says.
9:29 - Jack Black shows some more pictures of people who have sent their photos in on vma.mtv.com.
9:31 - Snoop Dogg says he could use something to smoke, instead shows off gin and juice. Gives Best Rap Video to Chamillionaire. Gets mad at 20/20 for cancelling an interview about racial profiling and says the video "made my year. Nobody can cancel this."
9:35 - Beyonce enters to sirens from the ceiling in a trench coat. Her guitarist has a headbanger's fro. Beyonce makes a trench coat and thigh-high boots look badass.
9:45 - Gnarls Barkley wins Best Direction and Shakira wins for Best choreography. Missy Elliott wins for Best Effects.
9:46 - Diddy introduces T.I. "The King of the South" who is also wearing a sparkly hoodie.
9:51 - Jared Leto and Amy Lee present Best Group Video to The All American Rejects. They join James Blunt at the bar.
10:01 - Rihanna and Ne-Yo present Ringtone of the Year to Fort Minor. Longest. Speech. Ever.
10:05 - Fall Out Boy introduce Panic! at the Disco, who are allowed to say "goddamn" on the air. Their set is best described as Gothic Rock.
10:09 - Fergie is introduced as "America's favorite lumpy lady." She presents the Best New Artist award to Avenged Sevenfold with the girl from Little Miss Sunshine.
10:20 - Britney Spears and Kevin Federline do a skit about their own dysfunction. They give Best R&B Video to Beyonce and Slim Thug.
10:24 - Kanye still doesn't look happy. He presents the Video Vanguard to Hype Williams. In a tribute, Busta comes in with tribal dancers. Hope has his machete in check. Missy Elliott does Superfly in pow pow power wheels. Hype thanks all the hip hop royalty.
10:33 - Sarah Silverman tells Paris Hilton to lose weight.
10: 36 - Vanessa Minillo says that 40 million people voted for the Viewer's Choice Award. Looks like Fall Out Boy will win.
10:42 - Christina Aguilera performs a heartfelt ballad that turns into a power ballad in a beaded red dress. It's a crowd pleaser.
10:47 - Lou Reed and Pink present Best Rock Video after Reed pleads with MTV to play more rock. AFI win for Miss Murder. Asymmetrically-coifed dudes everywhere rejoice.
10:52 - One of the dudes from ZZ Top (I think) joins the Raconteurs.
10:58 - Kyle from Tenacious D joins the Black Eyed Pease, and Jack Black flips out in his dressing room, where Justin Timberlake is building shelves. Kyle and Jack reconcile to James Blunt's "Beautiful."
11:01 Tenacious D sings a song about a friendship "with the power of almighty Zeus."
11:03 - The Jackass geniuses present the viewer's choice award to Fall Out Boy, as predicted. Wee Man punches Steve-O in the nuts, as predicted.
11:06 - Queen Latifah talks about saving the planet, introduces Al Gore. Gore talks about bringing sexy back, global warming. Sexy goes back to the pop stars.
11:17 - J.Lo wears her fanciest head scarf to present Video of the Year. 11:19 - Video of the Year goes to Panic! at the Disco.
11:22 - Axl Rose introduces The Killers, featuring Brandon Flowers' mustache. The crowd loves it.
11:27 - "We gave the mighty Thor a rusty trombone. Good night!" Good night, Jack.
